Over the last couple of months I have had a number of clients come to me after recently having a miscarriage. My heart aches for the place they are in and the loss that they feel.

Many of you will know that I experienced two miscarriages before our beautiful girls came along. Those difficult times in my life left me incredibly passionate about the need to nurture and support those around us who are experiencing the same loss.

It has become clear to me that our society lacks any genuine process or acknowledgement to help heal the families who suffer loss in this way. When a child is physically born into this world – with or without breath – it is offered the same rights of death as any other human.

We have certain rites of passage that allow us to integrate and process the experience.

We have rituals that help us to mourn.

But the souls who pass through before they have felt the earth’s air are different.

We don’t have public acknowledgement and we don’t have any real process to help guide us through. There’s nothing to give closure and help the family to heal.

I work predominantly with women, but as the partner of someone who experienced two miscarriages by my side I know that men can suffer silently in their own pain over the loss of an unborn child. It feels important to me that we all have a way to channel our grief.

These are a few things that I did to help my heart heal over the loss of our two little souls. I share these with my clients but thought that maybe some of you who read this will benefit from them as well.

Healing the Heart

1. A letter of acknowledgment

Often when we lose a child we can feel emptiness because we never got the opportunity to speak to them, to look into their eyes and tell them just how much we loved their perfect little face. This process allows you to say all the things that you’ve held in your heart that need to be released before you can allow yourself to move forward.

Quite simply, take a piece of paper and a pen and start writing. You might begin with “To my precious child…” or if you already had a name for them then use the name. Continue by writing down every thought you have, every piece of advice you wanted to tell them – let them know exactly how you feel about their life.

Know that by doing this there is a connection that allows you to speak to their soul. Your words are heard, even if on another plane.

Once you’re finished you might like to keep the letter somewhere special, or bury it, or burn it. Whatever feels right for you.

2. Healing Ceremony

Many cultures have rituals that honour the dead and aid them in their soul’s transition into the afterlife. Performing a simple ceremony can be so incredibly healing.

When we did our ceremony for our little ones I remember not being able to speak for my tears, but James spoke soft, humble words acknowledging that their lives meant something to us and that they would always be remembered as part of our family.

We chose two little crystals that we were drawn to and buried them underneath the beautiful “Magic Tree” in our backyard. The symbolic act of taking something from the earth and returning it to the earth helps our psyche to resolve the experience that has taken place. We are able to feel a sense of closure by physically enacting the experience for ourselves. It helps us to understand something so abstract as a loss of life that we know exists but we haven’t seen.

3. Feel Your Feelings

Everyone deals with miscarriage differently. For some it’s just “one of those things” and there isn’t a huge emotional connection involved. For others it is a deeply sad experience and one that leaves people feeling lost and dark. Wherever you sit on the spectrum, please do not judge yourself based on the reactions of others. If you feel like you should be “over it by now” but you’re not, then allow it. The more we resist what is trying to come up the more it will remain. Equally, if you think you should be feeling more and you’re not, that’s completely ok too. Different experiences affect people in different ways. By allowing your feelings to be you are honouring the process.

4. See the Gift

The gift? How can there possibly be a gift in all this sadness? I know, it seems insensitive and ridiculous but hear me out. Every negative experience in our life in some way reflects back or creates something positive. For me it was realizing that my relationship was even stronger than I thought. Losing babies and having to go through that heartache with someone brought us so much closer together. For other people it might be simply that the pregnancy wasn’t planned but once you knew you realized how much you wanted a baby. That insight is a beautiful gift going forward.

The gift might not be clear to you straight away and that’s ok. It doesn’t have to be this huge big thing, but there will be something. Maybe it helps you to see that your relationship isn’t working for you, or that there are things you’ve been holding back from doing in your life. When the gift reveals itself you can thank the little soul that brought it through for you.

And for those of you who haven’t experienced miscarriage but want to know how to help someone close to you who has – just be there. Let them talk and listen. You don’t need to try to make it “ok” by saying things like “Don’t worry, you guys will definitely have kids” or “I know someone exactly like you and now she has three kids!” Just be present and let them know that whatever they are feeling is ok and that you’re there for them. Ask them if there is anything that you can do for them . Your love and compassion is all they need.

xx